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It’s a controversial topic but hey I wouldn’t be in self-development if I couldn’t break it down for us to release these god awful fears.
So we try to control everything in our lives. This gives us security and the feeling of safety, but at what expense? What will happen if we lose control of any given situation? Seriously will we no longer be a part of planet earth anymore? Will our spouse leave us? Will we forfeit our mortgages and end up homeless? (I went through a number of these things in quick succession I’m still here guys).
So as morbid as it is, I want you to think about where you are. Also if you lost everything what is the worst that would happen? And when you get past all the layers what you should find is this:
It was a feeling. . .
It was a “feeling” that you were afraid of. That’s right, because all the scenarios above boil down to feelings of fear. Inadequacy in comparison to our peers, judgement, uncomfortableness.
Do you think you would never pass the pain off loss of any type? If your business crumbles could you build another? But this time faster because you did it once and better because you acquired all the skills you need?
If your spouse left you, would you never find another? No one that would love you the same? You know this isn’t true and irrational because you wouldn’t have found the first one!
What if you had a sudden job loss and couldn’t maintain your current roof over your head? Would you be able to get another home and another job? Well yes you would. How do you find those in the first place?
What most of us don’t realise, is that our controlling behaviour comes from not wanting to feel a negative. OK why would you want to feel a negative? Good question.
Let me ask you this, why would you want to grow? (unless you want to stagnate for eternity which is cool as well. However then you wouldn’t have found me or my blog. Keep smiling smiler). ?
So when we have dips in our lives, or a situation that just doesn’t seem to be going your way. Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen? What do I need to learn?
It might hurt
There’s times when the fall is so big from heaven that you think there’s no way I’m climbing back up there. Let me tell you from my personal life that the bigger the fall the bigger the turn around and in that turn around the growth is EXPONENTIAL.
Fearing of losing control is like a mental trap that keeps you suspended in mid-air. You know you can’t fly, but the ground is too much of a way down now so that fall is going to hurt a lot.
In reality the hurt is your feelings. These feelings that are created through your thoughts, which can be changed. There’s two ways of looking at this.
First, you can take the fall and learn to grow stronger. (Your still alive breathing living this beautiful snapshot of existence which we call life).
Second, you can deal with your thoughts that are irrational. (These are the ones that make you want to stay in control all the time). When you’ve started consciously giving your thoughts the time they deserve and become aware of them. You can then take to weeding out the overgrowth of irrational fear based thinking. And replace it with a garden full off flowers.
If you can start becoming a bit OCD with controlling things, you can also start becoming relaxed with not controlling things. There is an equal opposite to everything, I have written previously about the law of rhythm to get a better idea on this hypothesis you can read my post on it here.
Control or a better perspective?
There are always two sides to a coin, what side we choose to see is just that a choice. If you don’t like the side your looking at flip the coin over. Simple, not quite we still have to muster the courage to face all those feelings. Things scare us, change being right up there as a NO1.
Does change have to be bad? Furthermore, who decides whether or not it’s a good thing or a bad thing? Can our perspective not change to fit the bill? What are we even comparing these seemingly bad circumstances against? Third world poverty/ loss of limb or life/ loss of a loved one. I’m not trying to get my words to grate on you, it’s just about perspective.
Perspective can be changed in a heartbeat. After all it’s a feeling that we are after, we want to know that everything will be ok and we will get what we want out of life. So if all it takes is changing our thoughts so that we can feel ok, should this not be the first point of call. We spend so much time in the physical pushing hard against things that we don’t want to happen, that we lose sight of the easier way to do things or as I call the path of least resistance.
Ok, so it’s not nice to go through feelings at times. But I can bet my heart that you’ve got past each and every hurdle and come out shining. Along with this you’ve had this ultimate growth spurt. Don’t you ever say things like “if only I knew that when I was such an age”. You know these things because you survived and grew.
Shout about yourself
Guys, we live in an age where there seems to be psychological warfare on our minds from ourselves! I mean seriously what is this about. No one ever taught us to become our own cheerleaders to create the best version of ourselves?
Even if we weren’t taught this, we are learning now through many greats that it doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it in our minds. If we want to keep control so that we don’t fail or have those uncomfortable feelings, I can tell you from experience we don’t fail or lose everything we just think we do until the realisation hits us that it wasn’t all bad and that we’ve gained something better.
I know going through this process is scary, but let’s obliterate fear. Fear or being scared of an unwanted outcome is such a debilitating way of life. But yet we keep succumbing to that god damn feeling. (getting a bit passionate there sorry guys). We have choices why fear of loss and not feelings of joy for gain? Why is it that we think its falling apart? Why do we not choose (there’s that word again) to think it’s coming together, if I let this said thing go then maybe something will arise that’s ten times better for me from its wake????
We were born to do it literally
You see these feelings that we give so much credentials too, they seem all high and mighty, are just that feelings! Created by our thinking, thinking created by repeated thought patterns that come from where? Did you consciously engage in downloading thoughts into your mind that do not serve you? No you didn’t why would you? So then slow down and question each fearful thought that arises to hurt your precious future and ask it “where did you come from and what are you based on?”.
Guess what guys and you can try this at home in fact I advocate this like badge of honour. Once you become consciously aware of your own thinking you will, as I did many years ago find lies upon lies upon lies. Then you will laugh maybe even cry, then you will realise hang on a minute none of this stands true, I can have two houses not one (if that’s what I want) I can succeed, I can get those dream abs. My life is not going to crumble if such and such does not happen.
Then like a massive firework display going off in your mind, you will feel empowerment. You will feel you can raise the roof of any building. You can you know, I’m not here just to give empty words this is very real.
Then comes the oh so awesome juicy bits! You get to choose (that word AGAIN) what goes in, what software gets downloaded and what outcome plays out in your reality.
So next time guys you feel the need to control, think twice and use it as an anchor for good growth and change to your highest potential.
Until next time
Love Z xx